I know, no one will ever believe me, when I tell this, but I promise, it’s true.
It all started on Koda-5. My home planet. My mother and father were slaves. I was born an icy night but was only together with my mother for about 3 months. I was adopted by the military of the centerplanet Koda. I was only 4 months old, when they started my training. The training there would make me to the perfect soldier. The perfect killer. I was the only slave born child beside another boy out of about 300, who survived the training, the food they gave us, the missing love from our parents and each other… The boy and I went to the military school, when we both were about 8 years old. The school, the training and the older soldiers made us into a team. You have to understand, we wouldn’t have survived, if we haven’t looked after each other. Because it was hard to train, but it was even harder to be turned into a soldier. My people have a simple but rough rank list. You were first a good-trained soldier, when you could kill 10 slaves without weapons. All by yourself. Then you could get higher rank, if you could kill more then two soldiers yourself. After us, soldiers were the important people. You didn’t get important by having money or slaves, no, you got important, when you had enough strength to kill 10 soldiers or more, with your bare hands. On the top of this barbarian pyramid, were the royal family. All the boys in that family were named Koda. Don’t ask me why, because I have never been able to answer that question. The king was the ultimately power on the entire planet! He could take out 100 important people without even sweat. So could his sons. Anyway, Max and I was a team, and already from the age of 13, we got our first assignment. I can’t really remember, what it was. Maybe something with killing a space fleet or something. We were respected more than anyone else with our rank on our base. We had always made a great job, but things like that can’t last forever, and we found out…
”lieutenant Anji, please show yourself on the bridge.” What now? couldn’t I just get time for one innocent little nap? God! I went to the bridge and received our newest assignment. ”What’s happening? What are they saying?” Max was heading right over to me from the door, he came from. He looked cold at me. I answered with a cold glare. ”They are saying; A transport ship is heading into your sector, it’s loaded with explosives, that you are going to bring with you home, when you need fuel.” I gave him the paper, after I had given the pilot the co-ordinates on the transporter. “What do you think about this Max?” I turned to his face catching his eyes. “What I think? I think this will be just as easy as killing 3 slaves with the bare hands.” He grinned. I smirked with the thought how surprised the space crow would be, when we blast into their ship. it would probably not take more than 5 minutes. Heh…
“Sir! We are closing up on the ship!” The second pilot turned and looked relaxed on Max. “Great, finally an easy job. When we get close enough, you shut the machines down, and go to the boarding-room.” He understood the order and returned to his post. “Max… is it just me or…” He looked at me with a cold and evil grin. “What is it Anji? afraid of the boogieman or something?” The pilot turned off the machines, and went together with the rest of our crow to the boarding-room. I didn’t move my eyes from the ship that was 2 times as big as ours. “Is... is it just me, or isn’t that ship just a tiny bit too big…?” He stared at me, like I was insane. “Are you thinking about aborting? Like in... not following our orders?!” I turned my eyes to him immediately. What he was saying was worse then kill someone with higher rank than yourself! “I am not! I just... I’m not...” He looked at me with his ice-cold eyes. eyes just like my own. we had both killed with cold blood. many times before. all we needed was to do, what we were tolled to. we were trained to be like this. cold killer machines. “It’s probably nothing.” I said. I wasn’t sure, it was, what I meant, but that was, what I said. Cold. I was a cold killer again.
We boarded the spaceship. Malta pulled his weapon, as soon as we were inside. we stormed in and found ourselves in a lobby-looking room. It was a huge room with pipes all over the roof. We walked around searching for anything familiar. There were no doors. not one darned door. I had a bad feeling about this, but I didn’t know why. “Sir! There’s no way out of this room, except the way we came from.” Max Turned to Gjaia, who stood and looked thoughtful at the wall. “How does it look Gjaia?” I looked at Max and then cold at Gjaia. Gjaia and Miltá were twins, but you could recognize them from each other, because of the scar Miltá had over his right eye and up under his hair somewhere. Miltá hasn’t respected me all his time as soldier. long time ago he tried to kill me, so he could get a higher rank, but I wouldn’t let him. I had hit him in the head with his own chain, he always has on him. A really good weapon, if you want to strangle someone. “There is a door somewhere.. I just need time to find it sir!” Just as he said it, a massive jolt came up through the floor. A lot of the crew died immediately. the strongest of us didn’t die but got quiet a shock. I jumped up and grabbed a pipe. my entire body shook because of the electroshock I got. The power in the floor had stopped, because none of the guys were screaming in pain anymore. just when I was thinking about jumping down, something moved to the right. I just manage to duck my head, as a laser beam hit a pipe over my head. “What tha-“ A new beam missed my head. this wasn’t the normal safety for a transport ship. I fell down on the floor. landed on my feet. “Everyone back to the ship!” I rose and met Max’s cold staring. “Are you going to abort?!” This was not the situation or place for a mouth fight. “Max! Quit it! We have to get back to the ship!” He just stood and watched me. “You are not following our order.” I was not panicking like the rest of the crow. “Max! We are on the wrong ship! This is not a transporter! It’s…” I didn’t say more, before Oruá screamed, because a beam hit him. I found a laser gun and blew the few canons there were shooting at us. A well-known sound made us all look at the door, where we came from. “SHIT! IT’S CLOSING!!!” All the crew panicked. suddenly Grunch made a weird noise and fell to the ground, with a pretty big hole where his stomach used to be. I had crashed all canons. So it wasn’t them that had killed Grunch. “Jarcra matadura! Jarcra matadura!!” I turned to see, what it was, that talked that weird languages. If I haven’t been used to see weird creatures, I would surely have reacted different. The creatures were about 2 times bigger then us. They really looked like major big bugs. they had four legs, 3 fingers on each hand, and then their arms continued into two sword-looking claws at the wrench. there were so many, that we had to take up the fight with them. At the start, I had no problem with beating three or four of them on my own, but there were so many, that the surviving part of our crow didn’t have a chance against the beasts, or their claws. soon Max and I were the only survivors. “Max! Let’s get out of here!!” He nodded as an answer, while he killed another bug. I threw myself down on knees and made a jump up in the pipes, then I used the pipes to swing myself over the bugs and over to the exit. I landed behind two bugs, which I killed with some funny pistols, they had in their pockets. Or it looked like pockets. didn’t care. I just wanted to get out alive, so I could kick Max’s ass for annoying me. I ran forward making the escape road cleared. I could hear Max was right behind me, because of the weird death sounds the bugs made and his running footsteps. While I ran, I sometimes turned around some seconds, to see if Max was stopped, or just so I could kill some of the creeps. Suddenly I bumped right into a bug. It grabbed me around my neck and lifted me up, like if I didn’t weight anything. I couldn’t breath. I hung and tried to get lose, because I knew, Max was heading this way with maybe 20 more of these monsters. My hands worked hard to hold me up, so I wasn’t strangled so fast. To give me some more time. The only problem was, that the bug didn’t want to give me that time. It took one of it’s weird guns and pointed at my head. It all happened in slow motion. The trigger clicked, I saw the laser coming my way, and suddenly I got a weak hope in a small idea. I kicked the best I could, and my foot hits the monster in the stomach. It looked like it was hurting badly, because in the next second it drops me, just in time so I can dodge the laser. I landed on my knees and grabbed my own gun. A quick shoot and the beast fell to the ground. dead. I started to cough, because I needed air so badly. “Pah.. pah.. pah..” I was so exhausted, that the next monster would have better luck with killing me then this guy.
I manage to get up on my feet, just as Max passed me. “What are you resting for?” I looked, the way he came from. I saw about 10 of the bugs, and suddenly I wasn’t that tired anymore. I speeded up and reached Max after some seconds. “Any ideas Lieutenant?” His voice shacked, when he yelled the question. God I hate this kind of situations. “Not anything else then, staying alive and try to get the hell out of here!” I nearly felt over some broken pipes. I stopped for some seconds to get my breath back and got an idea. After some few more seconds, I reach Max again. "What kept you so long?" I didn't answer and kept running.
Another door appeared some steps ahead, and some of the monsters got in the way. They were dead, before they noticed, and we kept going. The next room had to be the engine room. We crawled up on the machines and tried to hold the balance. I didn't believe it! The creeps were even faster up here then down on the floor. Max hardly dodged a couple of claws, from the nearest monster. A suddenly pain told me, that one of the bastards had got it's luck cutting in my left arm. I cursed in pain, while I sank down on my knees. I looked down and regretted it immediately. There had to be about at least 60 feet straight down. I crawled up and saw, how Max was wrestling with the nearest bug-beast. The guy that had injured me looked like it smiled or something. It raised it's claws dreaming about finishing me off. I looked around to get some help. I was cold in my left arm. The right arm closed instinctively around one of the chains that were hanging down from the roof. I swung it around me, and the bug was hit by it. It lost it's balance, and felt down from the pipes we were standing on. I swung the chain around again and caught another bug around two of it's legs. I pulled in the chain, so It lost it's balance too and felt down. Max had found a wrench and hammered everything around him down or off the pipes. The last bug in my way was the biggest of them. I shivered a bit, and swung for the last time the chain. The beast tried to cut of the chain that was stuck around it's neck, while I was pulling.
Max threw the wrench right into the 'face' of the creep, making it scream in pain. It raised its claws and slammed them down into the pipes. The claws cut right through the pipes, and we all felt down in the deep room under us.
I woke up and spat something dark out of my mouth. My ribs hurt, and as I crawled up on all four, I started to notice a weak shadow some feet away. “Max, are you alive?” I removed some pipes from his stomach. “L- leave me alone! I’m fine.” I crawled backwards. Oooh, my ribs! I had pains, every times I breathed. “Where are we?” I looked around in the dark. I could see the dead bodies from the monsters. “Where the hell should I know?!” He sounded angry, but I couldn’t see his face. I searched again around for an exit or something. Suddenly Max made a weird sound, like if he had something around his neck. I turned, just to see the biggest monster was still alive. It had grabbed Max around his throat, and was on its way to strangle him. “Anji! Helprrrarrr….” I forgot everything about the pain in my chest and left arm and got up on my feet. The monster hammered Max into the wall still strangling him. “Max! I’m coming!” I ran over and smashed my right fist in the back of the creep. It released Max, but then before I knew what was happening, it hit me with the back of its hand throwing me backwards. Soon it was me, who was on my way to be strangled. It pressed me down to the floor, so I couldn’t breathe. A low sound and a yell from behind, told that Max was on his feet again. “Hey you blobby, we aren’t finish!” I was so weak. So weak that I almost couldn’t get up again. When I finally got up, Max was in troubles again. The creep stood and pressed down on his chest with its foot. I searched one of the dead bugs body and found one of their weapons. ZzzaPz! The bug felt backwards, and I just stood there and watched. Max was finish. I felt something warm run down at my forehead. I felt with my hand. I couldn’t see what colour it was, but all my hand was covered with some dark fluid. “Well… at least there’s no more monsters…” Just as I had said that, something hit me fast and hard in my neck. I sank down on my knees. Couldn’t think. Couldn’t see. All turned black, and the last I felt was pain because my head hit the floor with a bang…















Comments
*weird deformed voice* MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!
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*prepares to be beaten*
In the rules of standard English, we don't use the actually number, i.e. 4 for numbers unless it's a really, really big number, like 4565765856756. You write out the word 'four'.
Second, when someone starts speaking, it's usually a sign that a new paragraph should start and when the action transfers from that person, another new paragraph should start. It makes the flow of the story much easier to follow and read, especially when the action becomes intense, like towards the end of this chapter.
Thirdly, you spend too much time explaining the system of government and social status, i.e. the whole being able to kill so and so without weapons, rather than the personal trials your characters faced when presented with said challenges. How much time passed before they were able to kill ten slaves without weapons? Did they feel guilt over having to kill them? Were they injured badly while they learned the skills required? Who trained them to fight?
You need more intricate details in your story, which isn't bad to being with, and the details will make it so much better...
Please don't hurt me. I'm just an anal retentive English major...
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Please visit my Kitten! Long live the Mao-chan!
[link]
Grrrrr! I warned you!!!
*stops just before punishment*
Hmmm.... God dammit! You are right... -bleeh!-
Hrmf.. can you do it better yourself maybe? - No never mind.. well maybe I'll try to make this chapter better.. maybe not.. when I get time maybe...
I'm sure that if you do rewrite it, it'll be incredible. I patiently await the next version... or chapter... whichever comes first...
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Please visit my Kitten! Long live the Mao-chan!
[link]
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